Like Zechariah, I’ve Been Stricken Mute

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The angel replied [to Zechariah], “I am Gabriel. I stand in the presence of God, and I have been sent to speak to you and to bring you this good news [of John’s birth]. But now, because you did not believe my words, which will be fulfilled in their time, you will become mute, unable to speak, until the day these things occur.”

Meanwhile the people were waiting for Zechariah, and wondered at his delay in the sanctuary. When he did come out, he could not speak to them, and they realized that he had seen a vision in the sanctuary. He kept motioning to them and remained unable to speak. When his time of service was ended, he went to his home.

(Luke 1:19-23)

The above passage is how Zachariah learns that his wife is pregnant with St. John the Baptist. He didn’t believe Gabriel when the angel announced it, so Gabriel muted him. After John’s birth, however, the Lord restored his voice.

Since I too have been struck mute, this story has been on mind. Perhaps, I too haven’t truly believed the good news. After all, I believe there’s a bit of doubt in all of us. But, discerning the spiritual sides of things can be difficult.

Medically, it’s clear why I’m mute. The doctors at the Mayo Clinic diagnosed me with a granuloma on my vocal cords. As if that wasn’t enough, my vocal cords also had quite a bit of inflammation. 

To try and resolve the situation, I did some voice therapy. I even went a week without speaking a single word. This, of course, found me in a few awkward situations. What do you do when you answer the door, and a neighbor you’ve never met is standing there? I couldn’t say anything, so I resorted to oddly gesticulating until my wife arrived to save the day. She did her best to explain that I wasn’t crazy. 

In the end, though, I had to have surgery. The surgeon used a laser to remove the granuloma, injected my vocal cords with botox and steroids for the inflammation. The botox paralyzed my vocal cords to give them time to heal. I’m still on complete vocal rest, but I can start speaking again next week, starting with 10 minutes a day. I’ll have a very breathy voice that’ll last from 6 weeks to 4 months (perhaps, I should get gigs singing, “Happy Birthday, Mr. President”). But, at least I’ll be able to start functioning again as a priest. Full recovery could take up to a year. Please keep me in your prayers for healing.

That’s what’s happening medically, but I’m still discerning the spiritual side of things. We are, after all, body and soul. 

Last week I wrote about how this has led me to a deeper understanding of repentance. Far too often we reduce repentance to simply feeling sorry about “bad things” we’ve done. However, μετάνοια, the Greek word for repentance, means much more. It can also mean “conversion,” or a “change of heart.” Put simply, it means changing your ways; doing a 180.

Learning to repent in a deeper way, meant that I had to experience a health crisis, although, I’ve noticed a few things to look out for in the future. I’ve noticed that those things that I feel anxious about are places I need to do a 180. For example, it’s Ok to delegate. I don’t have to do everything myself. Things will get done and I don’t have to feel pressure to always be in charge or worry if things will even get done. In fact, this is probably a win-win for everyone. 

Exploring this deeper repentance can mean looking out for those things that make us fearful, depressed, worried, or those things that just get under our skin and fester. All these are signs that we may need to repent, change our ways in order to heal. Learning this is how we find peace, and this process is true repentance. 

Repentance gives us the chance to change in order be conformed to the image of Christ. In other words, we become living icons of Christ. I’ve found that this doesn’t just mean life in the Age to come, but also a new way of being, here and now. As a result, I’ve started to see the world differently. I’ve started to think about my relationships with others in a new way. 

I think this all sunk in when my wife was driving me home from my surgery yesterday. We had a three and half hour drive, so I pulled out my phone and started studying my Greek vocabulary. My goal for 2023 is to learn all 5,300-some words in the Greek New Testament, but first, I’m starting with the Psalms found in Matins and Vespers. As I went through the vocabulary words, it struck me how many of them related to sickness and healing. Here I was, riding home from a surgery, and I was seeing the Psalms in a whole new way. I couldn’t but help to think about how important this surgery was for me and my career as a priest. God was assuring me of his healing presence. He was giving me a new way of being.

After I wrote about repentance last week, a Presvytera friend of the family wrote to my wife and mentioned something more. Repentance is a good thing. In fact, it’s a necessary first step on the Way to living a Christian life, but Presvytera also mentioned gratitude. I hadn’t thought about it, but gratitude is the natural next step.

Transformation (I pray that it lasts) brought on by repentance gives me something to be grateful for. I may be suffering from a vocal disorder, but I’m growing closer to Christ. I’m starting to see how his suffering relates to ours. I’m beginning to understand how his suffering leads to resurrection and our salvation. For this, I’m very thankful. 

Gratitude is a game changer. I believe that if we can make gratitude a way of life, then we can ripen the fruits of repentance. With gratitude we can make our 180 permanent, because we’re be constantly living our lives in a new life-giving way. And, with gratitude, we can start to experience the depths of God’s love, even in the midst of a fallen world. When this happens, we can also learn to love those around us. And maybe, just maybe, those around us will learn deep repentance and find gratitude in their lives.

It’s not lost on me that, as I write this, the upcoming Sunday Gospel reading is the one about the 10 lepers (Luke 17:11-19). When they stood at a distance and asked Jesus to heal them, Jesus told them to go and show themselves to the priests in the temple. As they went, God cleansed them of their leprosy. But, as we all know, only one returned to praise God. Jesus responded by saying, “Rise and go; your faith has saved you.” The Hermeneia Commentary has an interesting comment,

“… although this faith of theirs made [the lepers] ‘clean,’ it still was not sufficient to ‘save’ them. Only the Samaritan did in fact hear Jesus’ famous phrase ring in his ears: ‘Your faith has saved you’.”

The Samaritan, the foreigner, is the one who added gratitude to his repentance and was saved. By saying “Rise and go,” Jesus invited him to continue to walk this Way of repentance and gratitude. I also hear this call in my ears. I pray you hear it too.